BOUNDARIES · DECISION-MAKING

Why is it hard to say no, even when I do not want to?

Sometimes we know we do not want to say yes before the other person has even finished asking. Then the mind steps in, explains, makes excuses, worries about the other person—and in the end we hear ourselves say, “Yes.”

Sometimes the body responded before the mind

Some responses happen quickly: interest, disinterest, a tightening, a sense of yes or no. Then the mind begins to negotiate with that response. “They might be hurt.” “I said no last time.” “Maybe I will enjoy it.” “It would be rude to refuse.” The mind is not trying to harm us. It is considering expectations, relationships, the fear of losing our place, and how the other person might feel.

Why can a no feel so difficult?

Sometimes saying no seems to say something about who we are: unkind, disloyal, unprofessional, or inconsiderate. We are not only answering a request; we are trying to protect our identity and our place with the other person. We may choose to do something we do not want just to avoid the tension of refusing.

What happens after an automatic yes?

We do the thing without energy. We become overloaded, irritated with the person who asked, or angry with ourselves for agreeing. The problem may seem to be the task, but sometimes it began a moment earlier: we said yes when our first response was no.

Start by noticing the gap

• What was my first response?
• If no one would be disappointed, what would I want to answer?
• Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I cannot bear what might happen if I say no?
• What does this yes cost me later?

You do not have to become someone who says no to everything. The first step is noticing the difference between your initial response and your social answer.